The Fatherless Daughter Syndrome or lowkey Daddy issues is a condition that affects millions of young girls around the world. Being a fatherless daughter and raised by a single mom, my heart goes out to all those who've never experienced what it is like to be with Pa. Unlike most countries, in my part of the world, you don't get to spend the week with your mom and another weekend with your dad. If your parents are divorced, you live with your mom and your Dad visits you possibly once or twice a year. I was essentially disconnected from my Dad for years. He would ring me up occasionally for the sake of it the reason being that he had another family and talking to him meant adding salt to a fresh wound.  Those few minutes that I forced myself to be cordial to him was an absolute torture. As for my Dad, talking to me was more out of some kind of ritual than a loving act of fatherhood and at the end of which, such conversations affected me badly as I secretly wished for him to be with me.

 They say that a Father is a son's first hero and a daughter's first love. When I heard this phrase for the first time, I thought to myself: "A what?! I don't even remember my Father carrying me in his arms leave alone being first love and all that sh**." I grew up to be a bitter, sad and rejected child. Living with an extremely loving yet frustrated mother and a condescending grandmother was again walking on thin ice.  I remember those heart aching moments watching Fathers running up and down with their children; teaching them how to ride a bike, picking them up and holding them close to their chest when they tripped and fell. I strongly recall my eyes welling up with tears and another nerve being plucked severely.

With time, I guess the pain abated, however, the consequences of living without a Father was unendurable. Years, months and days just worsened it. Being a clingy, vulnerable child and teenager, there was nothing I wouldn't do to be accepted by a group of immature friends. As a constant people pleaser, I wondered why I was the way I was. When I looked at other kids of my age, they were happy, confident, and made many friends quickly whereas I was always the weird loner no one really wanted to befriend. This gnawing reality that I  had become nothing less than a football that people tossed now and then till it was deflated and hopeless, killed me deep within. At 20, I look back and realise that it all had its origin in one of the most paralysing of all fears - the fear of being abandoned.

Driven by curiosity, I searched the Internet sources about the root cause behind the fear of being abandoned. The lists starts with a childhood traumatic experience ; the loss of a parent through death or divorce, lack of emotional or physical care as a child and many more. The absence of my father was nothing short of a horrifying betrayal. What came with this were even more serious issues like diminished self-esteem consequentially making me settle for less. And, settling for anything less is suicidal. When people talked about self-respect, I often reflected as to what it would mean to actually respect oneself - what good have I ever done to respect myself? All I did was to leech onto someone who offered affection and attention. More often than not, I have seen people giving me brief moments of endearment and at the very next, audaciously forgetting that I even existed. By now, I was hopelessly accustomed to people treating me like a doormat, regrettably, I did not have an identity of my own to say the least.

Eventually, I began to acquire weird ass defence mechanisms that didn't make any sense to me. What shocked the empath in me was  my ability to cut people off before they could delete me from their list.  Curious enough, I asked whether it was just me who had these! To my great relief, I wasn't the only one. According to Psychology, the coping skills primarily used by a vast majority of fatherless daughters are:- Sexual promiscuity, total avoidance of intimacy, isolation, substance abuse, anxiety and depression. Unfortunately, falling trap to a wrong relationship topped this distressing list. During my early and late teens, I recollect having massive crushes in school and I was equally disturbed and remorseful on realising that it went unrequited. Over and above, there was an extreme discomfort in the presence of other men ;be it relatives, friend's Fathers, well meaning people, classmates etc. And why wouldn't this be so? The most important man in my life was never in the picture to show me what it was like to be around men. Clearly, a Father is the one who sets the standard by which a woman judges all men and it is seen that most women seek the shadow of their Father in their potential partners. As for me and for a lot of you out there, our Fathers have set nothing but a standard of selfishness and narcissism.

On the flip side, Fatherless daughters have proven to possess early survival mechanisms and determined spirits. Most Psychologists would agree with me that Fathers provide children with the early survival book of life. In the absence of a Father or in the presence of an abusive Father, a child learns to deal with the Universe singlehandedly, predominantly through trial and error. This leaves one with a lot of self-inflicted wounds and yet it moulds people to be wise and Oh for the sense of, "I can take on the world solo even if Daddy's not got my back is unparalleled!" Doubtless, it is a morale booster! 

It all happened one day at church when I  heard the message of the Father heart of God and it hit home, subsequently, I accepted Jesus Christ as the Lord and saviour of my life at the age of 11 and since then, He has been my Papa. I had sought everything that promised to satisfy the void in my heart but I realised that the only one who can satisfy the human heart is the one who created it. I wonder what kind of person I would have become without Jesus, perhaps the worst version of what I am at the moment, an outright emotional wreck. 

Yet, during moments when I really need a shoulder to cry on, I miss my Dad and the feeling you get when you lean on your Father's chest, the assurance that nothing can ever truly hurt you because Daddy is there. Nevertheless, I still throw my shoulders back and walk like I am the Queen or IDGAF about who the Queen is depending on my mood. Ugh!

 Girls and women, in particular, those who've come a long way in life in the absence of a Father - I encourage you to give yourself an applause! You are Warrior Princesses! Not everyone can be like you! Only you know what it is to be you so use the pain to your advantage! Allow it fuel you to do better, be better and do good to hurting young girls. I prophesy that the day isn't far away when I see you being the fire that warms this cold world!

Much Love <3